The Raw Adventurer

I sound like a sad, moany protagonist. 

But that's me at the moment, my head is swirling and there is not one thing I can see straight in my head. 

I always end up jeopardising the good things in my life and I always want something better, but it never happens because of one factor- I'm impatient. 

I am never happy with what I have but I have never had something worth fighting for (career wise), I don't want to work in sales in the rest of my life where 'The customer is always right', I want creative freedom and I want to stand out from the crowd. But in building this kind of career you have to sacrifice things, like money, like location, maybe even partners. 

But the one thing I don't have enough of is self-belief or confidence.

I don't think I'm good enough. And so I never end up focused enough to try.

This reminds me of a book I read yesterday about writers, and one chapter was entitled 'The ambiguous writer', the whole chapter explains how certain writers can not focus on one genre, they go from one the next doubting themselves and saying things like 'will this sell?', 'I'm not good enough for this genre', but the one piece of advice I took from this is; write what you love. You may not know it but everyday you will write, whether it is a text or a poem, a short story or a blog post. And so, what you do is to take those pieces and place them together and you will find a piece of writing worthy of publication. 

Because of my lack of focus, I will never be happy because I am not doing what I love to do, but when you love so many things, what do you do? 

I take jobs for one reason, money, to pay the rent, to pay bills and to pay off my debts (which isn't happening).

London is such an expensive place to live and only now am I discovering that perhaps doing it on my own was an unreasonable option. 

I thrive on independence, but that comes at a cost and at the moment I can't afford it. 

The last couple of weeks I have been so stressed, working 40 hours a week and only having enough to pay my rent and bills. 

I have been so upset, I haven't done my fitness, I have eaten crap and I have gained weight yet again, I haven't had time (an excuse I hate) but I haven't. 

The one thing I hate is feeling sorry for myself. And I am going to make changes. But taking those first steps AGAIN are the hardest steps to take.
With so much affliction and so much change in my life, I don't know where to go. 

Sometimes you need someone to hold your hand and guide you through the waves before you reach the calm.