The Raw Adventurer: 2016

Self-belief

I have a million and one thoughts racing through my head each and every day.

Today are the following:

What do I do with my life?
Will I ever have enough money to live?
Can I go for my dream career and succeed?
Will I ever be successful?
Why am I so tired?
Why can't I bring myself to be seen?
Am I really that alone?
Where did my fitness go?

I sound like a sad, moany protagonist.

But that's me at the moment, my head is swirling and there is not one thing I can see straight in my head.

I always end up jeopardising the good things in my life and I always want something better, but it never happens because of one factor- I'm impatient.

I am never happy with what I have but I have never had something worth fighting for (career wise), I don't want to work in sales in the rest of my life where 'The customer is always right', I want creative freedom and I want to stand out from the crowd. But in building this kind of career you have to sacrifice things, like money, like location, maybe even partners.

But the one thing I don't have enough of is self-belief or confidence.

I don't think I'm good enough. And so I never end up focused enough to try.

This reminds me of a book I read yesterday about writers, and one chapter was entitled 'The ambiguous writer', the whole chapter explains how certain writers can not focus on one genre, they go from one the next doubting themselves and saying things like 'will this sell?', 'I'm not good enough for this genre', but the one piece of advice I took from this is; write what you love. You may not know it but everyday you will write, whether it is a text or a poem, a short story or a blog post. And so, what you do is to take those pieces and place them together and you will find a piece of writing worthy of publication.

Because of my lack of focus, I will never be happy because I am not doing what I love to do, but when you love so many things, what do you do?

I take jobs for one reason, money, to pay the rent, to pay bills and to pay off my debts (which isn't happening).

London is such an expensive place to live and only now am I discovering that perhaps doing it on my own was an unreasonable option.

I thrive on independence, but that comes at a cost and at the moment I can't afford it.

The last couple of weeks I have been so stressed, working 40 hours a week and only having enough to pay my rent and bills.

I have been so upset, I haven't done my fitness, I have eaten crap and I have gained weight yet again, I haven't had time (an excuse I hate) but I haven't.

The one thing I hate is feeling sorry for myself. And I am going to make changes. But taking those first steps AGAIN are the hardest steps to take.
With so much affliction and so much change in my life, I don't know where to go.

Sometimes you need someone to hold your hand and guide you through the waves before you reach the calm.

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, by Sophie

anger

“I have decided to stick to love...Hate is too great a burden to bear.”

When I was younger I would have never thought that when I grew up I would start to forgive the people who wronged me, but the one thing I have learnt when I think about hating someone, or holding on to that feeling of anger is that the ONLY person you are hurting is yourself.

I know people that dislike me, even hate me, for reasons that aren't justified or simply don't exist, but I have one feeling and one feeling only towards those people- sympathy, I feel sorry for those people who have nothing better to do than to hold onto hate, about things that happened years ago, get over it and move on with your life.

When you're best friends with someone, you could never imagine that one day that person could be a total stranger,that one day they won't be the person you tell everything too. One day, you won't be close enough to them to know their secrets and you won't open up to them anymore about your troubles.

I have never understood why some people choose to 'cut' people out of their lives, I know people think they are justified in this action but the truth is most people who do this are just unable to open up about what is really bothering them, and in the end that hurts both parties involved.

Personally, the most important component in any relationship is communication and without this things just fall apart, without it, how are you going to tell the other people how you feel? How are you going to say you love them, you miss them, you never want to lose them or you don't feel the same as you used too. What some people don't seem to understand is that honesty is the best policy, if people have the information it is their choice on how to process it, but without that, you end up lost in a sea of the unknown. As a sign of respect, the other party should at least tell you why it's happening, why they feel the need to never talk to you again, why you no longer have the right to speak to them, but another thing I've learnt is you can't control other peoples actions, if they want to do something, they will.

I could never hate anyone, I look through other people's eyes and empathise with them, they must be having a hard time, they must have things going on in their lives that I don't know about and for some reason they don't trust me enough to open up about it, but just know that if you are my friend or even if you're not I will always be someone you can lean on through the hard times and the good.

I am saddened to lose friends, good friends at that, but I will always look back and have fond memories to smile about. And that's the only certainty I have, knowing that the past was good and maybe some day when a certain song plays or we are both in a certain place you will remember me, and I will remember you, and we will both smile at the times we were happy together.

Let the anger go and remember the good days.

“I have decided to stick to love...Hate is too great a burden to bear.”

Martin Luther King Jr.