Again, I've been absent from my blog, I think I was trying to sort my life out, and then made an abrupt realisation that you can't, you literally have to 'go with the flow'

and so, here is the story so far....

I am a creative person, which means, unfortunately, I have a creative mindset and it ALWAYS wants to be doing something, whether that's learning new things, writing, drawing, taking pictures, whatever it may be I NEED to be doing something.
I have a real urge to learn, to make new friends to keep on moving through life and if it stops I go, well, insane. If my life stops I start to over think, get depressed and focus on the negatives rather than the positives in my life. I start to think 'what if I hadn't done that, or what if I had...', or 'what if I do it again...'.
I know this is not going to help, and yet, I still do it!

I am currently in a job, a job that holds no potential for progression, its minimum wage and it varies in hours quite drastically.
Until recently I have always thought that chaos is my ally, but if anything it is the enemy. I need order, I need a schedule, a routine and lifestyle that enables me to plan ahead, to look to the future and be certain of where I will be, of course, this doesn't always happen, but for the most part, this could really help me get on with my life.
This job is not where I want to be, I took it because I need money (like everyone) I took it because it was local and now I am getting extremely bored. This place is hardly ever busy, so I stand alone, looking out at all the people rushing around with places to go, I  stand there thinking 'Is this really all I am capable of?', what I need to remember is, it's just for the money, but it is so hard to think like that, I don't think I have ever been money orientated. I have been brought up on the fact that your passion should be your life, you should never take a job because you should, you should take it because you want it, but life doesn't work out that way...

The other problem is I have stopped doing the things I love, partially because I'm working all the time and partially because whenever I have the time I am tired and frankly feel defeated.
Today was my first day back at the gym (I have been attempting to work out at home) and I realised how much I missed it, I had choice, I had a big place dedicated to working out and frankly, it got my out of my house (which is another place I'd rather not be)! Safe to say after that gym session I feel amazing, I feel like a new woman and more importantly, I can see my future again, hence why I am writing again.

My social interaction is at an all time low as there aren't many opportunities to make friends at my work, as there are about three people working there. And other friends live away or are busy (understandable). But as you get older you realise that you make more acquaintances than friends.

What I'm trying to say is that recently I have been letting my negativity and depression get the best of me, I have been pushing people away, hurting myself (not physically) and letting people get the best of me. My confidence has disappeared and I need it back again in order to move forward.

You have to let life move by itself, you can't speed up the future, you can't make people do what you want and you can't rush into things, I've learnt the hard way with that one.

I need to do things little by little, move along in the right direction and eventually, I will be where I want to be.

If you don't know what to do, where to go, or what career path to take, don't worry. I don't know, I know absolutely nothing, but I know I'm not stupid, I'm capable of great things if I only put my mind to it and work towards it slowly.

Chin up, that's a message to you and to me!! Put some music on and just lie there and look to the future in a positive light.